too funny not to share! July 5, 2008

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
 for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had,

an elephant?  So since I’m retired and have  little to do, on impulse I told her

that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I

probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost

50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out

of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a

perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with

Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. 

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. 

 

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
had poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an IrishSetter’s
arse and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart

attack he was laughing so hard.  Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

some funnies!!!!!!1 June 6, 2008

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  
‘Take two aspirin’ and ‘Keep away from children.’
–Author Unknown

‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that.  
It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.’
– Drew Carey

‘The problem with the designated driver program, it’s  
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.’
– Jeff Foxworthy

‘Everybody’s got to believe in something.
I believe I’ll have another beer.’  
– W. C. Fields 

 

new drugs for women May 12, 2008

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, ‘You make me want to be a better person. ‘

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birth day, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

FUNNY JOKE May 2, 2008

my friend sent this to me today and i couldn’t help but pass this on!

I knew this was important and should be passed on right away. 

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally…but this one is real, and it’s
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail
list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

SOME FUNNY’S THAT MY PEEPS SENT TO ME! April 25, 2008

 

Dumb Question - Great Answer!

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Samson (my wonder dog and yes his name is Samson) at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line.  

  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn’t, I continued, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time.  I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.
   
  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your poc kets with Purina nuggets and  simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.) 
   

   Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I’d been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit both of  us.

   
  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!
   
  WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.

(i have friends that do stuff like that a lot)

Two  little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.  They
were  always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
 If any  mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably
 involved.
 The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been  successful in
 disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her  boys.
 The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them  individually.  So the
 mother sent the 8 year old first, in the  morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon.
 The  preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down
 and asked  him sternly, ‘Do you know where God is, son?’
The boy’s mouth dropped  open, but he made no response, sitting there
 wide-eyed with his mouth hanging  open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,  ’Where
 is God?!’
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
 The  preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the
boy’s face and  bellowed, ‘Where is God?!’
 The  boy screamed and bolted from the room,
 ran directly home and dove into his  closet, slamming the door behind
 him.
When his older brother found him  in t he closet, he asked, ‘What
 happened?’
The younger brother, gasping  for breath, replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time,’ (I just LOVE  reading this next line again and again
‘GOD is missing, and they  think we did it!’

(I CAN SOMEHOW PICTURE THIS HAPPENING TO MY KIDS LOL)